


It's U

by your_starless_eyes



Series: Lemon Boy [3]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: (kinda), Almost a kind of poetry, Cute Dan Howell/Phil Lester, Deep thinker dan Howell, Established Dan Howell/Phil Lester, Established Relationship, Existential Crisis, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, How Do I Tag, I Will Go Down With This Ship, M/M, Phil Lester Is A Sweetheart, Six Types Of Love, Sleepy Boys, Sleepy Cuddles, Sleepy Kisses, There are very few established tags I can use with this work omg, why is that not a tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-08
Updated: 2018-01-08
Packaged: 2019-03-01 21:18:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13303419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/your_starless_eyes/pseuds/your_starless_eyes
Summary: Late night frustration and existential episodes are just a part of Dan's daily life by this point.---"I guess it's just another one of those nights / When I'll spend way too much time / On something so small that no one really cares about at all."





	It's U

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by
> 
> It's U  
> Cavetown  
> Lemon Boy  
> 2018
> 
> (So this isn't super based off the song and it's story, but more off some of the lyrics.)

> _I guess it's just another one of those nights / When I'll spend way too much time / On something so small that no one really cares about at all / I guess it's just another one of those thoughts / And I can't really find a cause / Whether it's all just in my mind or something more_ _here in my life // It's u, it's u / Oh God, it's u / It's u / If you're awake then I am too / If you're lost then I'll find you / If you're hurt then I'll fix you / If you go blind, I'll describe the view / If you can't feel then I'll hold you / If you fall know I've got you / And if you fall down too far and I can't see you through these marks / And your eyes are covered in scars, and my head's filling with tar / Don't worry we'll find another way out // Your silhouette doesn't look quite right / And I can never find the time / To bury my hands in words / I'd grow a new kind of evergreen tree, just for you and me / On second thoughts, will you even remember me?_

_~It's U, Cavetown (Lemon Boy, 2018)_

_•-•-•-•-•_

Dan paces back and forth, his hands in his hair. The rhythm provides a metronome for the symphony of noise in his head.

He should finish editing that video he's been procrastinating on for a week, he knows, but it's sort of pointless. In the end, what will it matter, really? He'll be forgotten as time wears on. He spends hours over the course of days working each one to perfection- or as close as it can get- but every time, without fail, someone finds something horrible about it.

The way Dan's painted it in his head is like this.

You have hundreds of thousands of people shouting " _duck!_ " It sounds weird, but bear with him.

" _Duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, g_ _oose, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck..._ "

Which word stuck out? Probably the goose.

Replace "duck" with "I love you" and "goose" with "I hate you."

After eight years the geese begin to eat away at you and the ducks fly away, blending together.

The thing is- and Dan has said this many times before- that none of the people who watch his videos really  _love_ him. They enjoy his content, or they find him entertaining in some form, but love is something reserved for people who are willing to deal with every part of you. The good, the bad, and the ugly. He's willing to bet an overwhelming majority wouldn't.

However, hatred knows no boundaries.

Dan sits on the edge of his bed, thinking about this a little more.

 _There's different kinds of love, right?_ he asks himself.  _Six, according to the Greeks?_

This sitting still thing isn't working. He needs to move to filter through his mind.

 _First is_ Eros, _or sexual passion, isn't it? A lustful kind of love. I don't know if that's the kind Phil and I have. Maybe not- our relationship isn't exactly built on sex and lust- but isn't this what you feel for romantic partners? I don't remember._

 _Then you have_ Philia, _or deep friendship. I share this with my closest friends, my confidants- Phil, PJ, Sophie, Martyn, Cornelia, Hazel, Tom... Anyone else? Wow, I really need more friends._

 _After that comes_ Ludus, _a playful love. What you observe in grade school crushes and childish flirting._

 _Fourth is_ Agape, _or love for everyone. Selfless love. The kind you extend to strangers and family alike. This is most likely what the people who watch me feel towards me._

 _After this is_ Pragma- _longstanding love. This is the love between people who have been in a relationship together for years, typically married couples. Could what Phil and I have be considered this? Maybe, I guess. What's this, year eight? Is that really a long time in the grand scheme of things, though?_

 _Last but not least is_ Philautia, _or love of self. This is the kind of love one feels for themselves, that allows them to take pride in their accomplishments and gives them a sense of self worth. We'll just leave this one alone for now._

Dan ceases his pacing as he hears Phil make a noise through the wall. He's not fully awake, Dan is sure, but he will be if Dan doesn't stop for a moment. There's squeaking as Phil shifts in his bed, and then quiet. Dan stays still a minute longer before resuming.

_So, in conclusion, love is a spectrum. One can feel any one of the six types of love towards a person, but they are all different. The love you feel for your family differs from the kind you feel for your partner differs from the kind you feel for yourself differs from the kind you feel for humanity as a whole._

"Dan?" a croaky voice calls. Dan turns towards his door to see a disheveled Phil squinting at him in confusion. "Why are you up? It's four in the morning."

"Go back to sleep, Phil," Dan tells him quietly.

"Have you been up this whole time?" Phil asks. Dan nods slowly. "Oh, Daniel."

"I'll be fine," Dan mumbles. "Just go to sleep."

"Come with me and I will," Phil replies. Dan sighs, running a hand through his hair. "Please? This isn't good for you."

"I'm not tired," Dan argues.

"Then come lie down with me for a little while," Phil requests. "If you're not asleep by the time I fall back you can return to your thoughts." Dan contemplates this for a moment.

"Yeah, okay," he says after a couple seconds. "Fine. I'll do that." He follows Phil into his bedroom and joins him beneath the checkered duvet. Phil slides his fingers between Dan's, and the younger boy squeezes appreciatively. "I love you."

"I love you too," Phil whispers, pressing a kiss to Dan's cheek. "Stay."

"I mean, I _love_ you, Phil," Dan continues, beginning to ramble as his eyelids start to feel heavy. "Like, _Pragma_ or _Philia,_ as the Greeks would say." Phil makes a sound of acknowledgement, curling up closer into Dan's body.

"You love me in the senses of deep friendship and a long lasting relationship, hmm?" he murmurs. "I can deal with that. As long as you keep me 'round, that is."

"Didn't realise you studied the different kinds," Dan replies, letting Phil wrap his arms around him and rest his head over his chest.

"It's an interesting thing," Phil points out sleepily. "I know a little bit about everything, truthfully." Dan doesn't reply, but hums in response, kissing the top of Phil's head gently before letting himself be tugged towards sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> Duck quit looking like a word after about the fifth time typing it, omg.  
> It still doesn't look like a word.  
> Also, duck is now my seventh recommended word after a comma.  
> Love doesn't quite look right either.  
> What have I done.


End file.
